If we are going to be more open about sex, then let’s talk about real sex, not the kind that is done purely for the camera. I am not against pornography per se, I just haven’t found any that is appealing, despite the diversity of sub-genres in the porn world. Many films feel as though I have come in halfway through the plot (what plot?), only to become a myopic bed bug with a camera focused solely on genital organs, as though in some kind of operating theater.
To me, the most exciting part of a relationship, be it for a season or a lifetime, is the sexual tension, the furtive looks, the “accidental” touch, the intense I-want-you glare, the glowing warmth of admiration, the unspoken dares, which mostly happen before the first kiss. Yet that is exactly what is omitted from all the porn I have seen to date. If anyone knows otherwise please enlighten me.
Ran Gavrieli gave a great TED talk on the effects of pornography on society, mental hygiene, and the subjugation of women. He ended it with a statement encouraging “emotionally safe sex”. I agreed of course, but then I wondered whether I would get bored with too much safety… you see, I sometimes like to just be taken rather than have to grant permission on each move. I like to be surprised and… even like it a little rough at times (perhaps harking back to primeval urges).
I then reflected on why I enjoy it only some times and I realized that it’s when I feel emotionally safe; safe enough that I grant my partner some power over me, knowing he won’t abuse it. It is nice to create an effect on my man, but it is also good to be “at his mercy” so to speak.
If I trust him, then I can safely play the role of a submissive woman (a bit of a change from my day job) encouraging him to be the “taker” knowing it is not his true perception of who I am.
On the other hand whenever I’ve had an emotionally dangerous relationship, being submissive, sexually or otherwise, was the furthest thing from my mind.
Here is a public speaker who finally said what I had been thinking for years: porn is mis-informing society!
Listen to Cindy Gallop brilliantly discussing pornography and its effects on younger men… from first-hand experience.