The Womanizer

When shopping for a sex toy, I’m not a fan of the vibrating electronic buzz. I would much rather have a stroke or a suck on the clit, or a vaginal / G-Spot prod, rather than a buzz anywhere, if that makes sense. I really can’t see how those dildos which just vibrate are supposed to work on their own. If I don’t move it vigorously, nothing happens, which means I might as well use the hard glass non-vibrating type… no batteries to find.

Anyway, the Womanizer promises to be different. It stimulates the area around the clit using vibration and suction.

“The pleasure cap is placed over the clitoris, making a delicate seal around it. This creates a slight suction to tease and stimulate the clitoris via microprocessor-controlled pressure waves. You will know it is in the right spot when the sound of the vibrator changes to a very quiet sound”.

You know that feeling when your clit becomes untouchable because you’ve had an orgasm and you just can’t bear any more sensation there? Well apparently Womaniser bypasses that feeling, allowing for multiple clitoral orgasms. I had a demonstration on my thumb at Sexpo, if that’s anything to go by, and it felt promising. The only thing that stopped me from getting one on the spot was the price tag – even with the promotional Sexpo discount. It is a bit on the high end, but if it does all that it’s cracked up to do, it may just be worth it! It’s on my wish list for now.

Let’s talk about sex

If we are going to be more open about sex, then let’s talk about real sex, not the kind that is done purely for the camera. I am not against pornography per se, I just haven’t found any that is appealing, despite the diversity of sub-genres in the porn world. Many films feel as though I have come in halfway through the plot (what plot?), only to become a myopic bed bug with a camera focused solely on genital organs, as though in some kind of operating theater.

To me, the most exciting part of a relationship, be it for a season or a lifetime, is the sexual tension, the furtive looks, the “accidental” touch, the intense I-want-you glare, the glowing warmth of admiration, the unspoken dares, which mostly happen before the first kiss. Yet that is exactly what is omitted from all the porn I have seen to date. If anyone knows otherwise please enlighten me.

Not my forever man

Today we decided that he is not my “forever man”. My partner and I broke up sanely and have agreed to remain friends. I think I will listen to Tracy McMillan’s video again, search for the best marriage vows I can find online, and go through a little marriage ceremony with myself.

Right now it hurts like hell, but I know this too shall pass. He is a wonderful man. We are just not what we each need. I am grateful for all that I have learned from living with him. Now I have to learn to be single again. Somehow I think just having this blog will help.

Emotionally safe sex

Ran Gavrieli gave a great TED talk on the effects of pornography on society, mental hygiene, and the subjugation of women. He ended it with a statement encouraging “emotionally safe sex”. I agreed of course, but then I wondered whether I would get bored with too much safety… you see, I sometimes like to just be taken rather than have to grant permission on each move. I like to be surprised and… even like it a little rough at times (perhaps harking back to primeval urges).

I then reflected on why I enjoy it only some times and I realized that it’s when I feel emotionally safe; safe enough that I grant my partner some power over me, knowing he won’t abuse it. It is nice to create an effect on my man, but it is also good to be “at his mercy” so to speak.

If I trust him, then I can safely play the role of a submissive woman (a bit of a change from my day job) encouraging him to be the “taker” knowing it is not his true perception of who I am.

On the other hand whenever I’ve had an emotionally dangerous relationship, being submissive, sexually or otherwise, was the furthest thing from my mind.

Sexpo for the shy

In the interests of practicing what I preach about bringing down taboos on sex, I’ve committed to going to Sexpo (www.sexpo.com.au)  in Brisbane this month.

I’m a Sexpo virgin so this is a big deal for me. I’ve never even walked into a physical sex shop before, or been to a strip show, although I have shopped online…

In the real-world (as opposed to cyberspace) I can come across as timid. Some may even interpret my shyness as prudish, even though that’s not the intention. The introverts among you can probably relate…

It may therefore be quite challenging to be comfortable in my own skin at this event. Wish me luck! It’s all for a good cause.

Winding down the garden path

“Finish what you start”

I think this line was used on me in my teens to induce a sense of guilt if I happened to get a guy aroused and didn’t somehow follow through.  I lost my virginity later than most, and since breaking it was way too much responsibility for most men to deal with, I often found myself obligingly giving head, but not necessarily enjoying it.

I have since vowed to never do anything sexual unless I enjoy it, even if only in the form of getting turned on by the fact that he is turned on… if I am not ‘into doing it’ I stop.  My partner at least knows that I am not faking it when I do enjoy it… having experienced the stop a few times.

I like that my current partner is quite happy to be turned on and fondled by me and does not necessarily expect it to lead to an orgasmic conclusion.

Waiting to come

How do you feel when your man is ready and waiting for you in the car while you are still indoors getting ready? He doesn’t have to be hooting the horn for me to feel rushed.  I am likely to forget something, no matter how patient he is in his waiting.

It’s the same with sex. If I know he is dying to orgasm rather than enjoy the journey with me, with or without an orgasm, then I prefer him to come first.  I am usually thrilled to vicariously experience his sensations, knowing I’m partly responsible. Happy to have mine later, with or without him.

I would be less generous if he always got his pleasure, without any regard for mine, but then I probably would not be in that relationship for long.

Planning for divorce

We plan for getting married; we plan for having children.  We plan for floods and earthquakes even if they are not expected to happen in our lifetime. Given the percentage of marriage break ups, why do we not plan for divorce?

We could plan for how we will treat each other;  What we can expect; Who will keep what; How the children will be managed; What we will never do to each other…

If you cannot plan this amicably and rationally with your fiance, should you really be getting married? On the other hand, if you can safely confront this with your partner then you will probably go the distance.