To Leonard!

I went to sleep last night listening to Leonard Cohen and I woke up this morning thinking of him. I don’t usually follow celebrity life, I don’t lust over them, and I don’t often know who is supposed to be the latest heart-throb. However, I found myself thinking that if I had to elect finalists for the “sexiest man alive” title, I’d probably consider Leonard.

It’s strange because I’m at least 20 years his junior and I don’t have a fetish for older men, so why think ‘sexy’ rather than just incredibly talented? I pondered on this as I arrived at work and continued to listen to his music, which is unusual for me as I prefer to listen alone (or whilst in the throes of passion).

I discovered his music only a few years ago. He was always old to me. I concluded that it’s all in that mind of his. His songs allude to a complex and sensitive individual and I find that incredibly attractive. There is also his voice, which in no small way contributes to the package. A man like that could have seduced me, with or without a penis.

An hour later I found out he died today at age 82. My radar scanners must have been picking up the Leonard waves from around the world. Tonight I pay my respects to him by playing his music… yet again. Not for being sexy, but for being the beautiful poet, musician, and spirit that he is.

However, this did get me thinking: if I can find a man sexy because of his mind, why do I not lust over a woman because of her inner beauty? Is my wiring so fixed that I cannot enjoy the thought of sex with a woman? Is it time for some rewiring? My experiences with men have sometimes made me wish I could. Besides, it would double my chances of soul-connecting with another human through sex. Perhaps I just haven’t tried with the right woman… Thoughts anyone?

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Sexpo visited

Been to Sexpo and lived to tell the story!

If you’ve read my earlier post on Sexpo, you’ll know I was quite nervous about going. Not because I don’t practice what I preach… I mean, I do talk about sex openly with friends and family, but because I thought I’d be faced with pushy and tacky salesmen showing off the mechanical features of their latest sex toys surrounded by half-naked females.

Well, I was pleasantly surprised, even though there were entertainers prancing around half-naked among the shoppers.

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Let’s talk about sex

If we are going to be more open about sex, then let’s talk about real sex, not the kind that is done purely for the camera. I am not against pornography per se, I just haven’t found any that is appealing, despite the diversity of sub-genres in the porn world. Many films feel as though I have come in halfway through the plot (what plot?), only to become a myopic bed bug with a camera focused solely on genital organs, as though in some kind of operating theater.

To me, the most exciting part of a relationship, be it for a season or a lifetime, is the sexual tension, the furtive looks, the “accidental” touch, the intense I-want-you glare, the glowing warmth of admiration, the unspoken dares, which mostly happen before the first kiss. Yet that is exactly what is omitted from all the porn I have seen to date. If anyone knows otherwise please enlighten me.

Ageism and sex

We seem to have gone from a society who doesn’t talk about sex to one in which an unrealistic version of sex is portrayed for the masses. Not only are the diversity of human body shapes and sizes under-represented, but certain ages seem to be mostly missing from Hollywood and the world of mainstream porn.

I have friends who are twenty-something who feel utter disgust at the thought of their parents, or their friend’s parents, and god forbid grandparents, fucking (I do not use the f. word derogatorily).  And yes, grandparents also fuck. Just ask anyone who works in a nursing home.
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Self-pleasuring

Despite the negative connotations associated with masturbation, being either too sinful or too desperate for any self-respecting gal (or guy), anonymous surveys have shown that most of us masturbate, with or without guilt, and with varying frequency. I long ago decided my self-pleasure would be guilt free. I no longer make harsh judgement about “resorting to masturbation because I can’t seem to find a decent guy to have sex with”.
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Emotionally safe sex

Ran Gavrieli gave a great TED talk on the effects of pornography on society, mental hygiene, and the subjugation of women. He ended it with a statement encouraging “emotionally safe sex”. I agreed of course, but then I wondered whether I would get bored with too much safety… you see, I sometimes like to just be taken rather than have to grant permission on each move. I like to be surprised and… even like it a little rough at times (perhaps harking back to primeval urges).

I then reflected on why I enjoy it only some times and I realized that it’s when I feel emotionally safe; safe enough that I grant my partner some power over me, knowing he won’t abuse it. It is nice to create an effect on my man, but it is also good to be “at his mercy” so to speak.

If I trust him, then I can safely play the role of a submissive woman (a bit of a change from my day job) encouraging him to be the “taker” knowing it is not his true perception of who I am.

On the other hand whenever I’ve had an emotionally dangerous relationship, being submissive, sexually or otherwise, was the furthest thing from my mind.

Sexpo for the shy

In the interests of practicing what I preach about bringing down taboos on sex, I’ve committed to going to Sexpo (www.sexpo.com.au)  in Brisbane this month.

I’m a Sexpo virgin so this is a big deal for me. I’ve never even walked into a physical sex shop before, or been to a strip show, although I have shopped online…

In the real-world (as opposed to cyberspace) I can come across as timid. Some may even interpret my shyness as prudish, even though that’s not the intention. The introverts among you can probably relate…

It may therefore be quite challenging to be comfortable in my own skin at this event. Wish me luck! It’s all for a good cause.

Winding down the garden path

“Finish what you start”

I think this line was used on me in my teens to induce a sense of guilt if I happened to get a guy aroused and didn’t somehow follow through.  I lost my virginity later than most, and since breaking it was way too much responsibility for most men to deal with, I often found myself obligingly giving head, but not necessarily enjoying it.

I have since vowed to never do anything sexual unless I enjoy it, even if only in the form of getting turned on by the fact that he is turned on… if I am not ‘into doing it’ I stop.  My partner at least knows that I am not faking it when I do enjoy it… having experienced the stop a few times.

I like that my current partner is quite happy to be turned on and fondled by me and does not necessarily expect it to lead to an orgasmic conclusion.

Waiting to come

How do you feel when your man is ready and waiting for you in the car while you are still indoors getting ready? He doesn’t have to be hooting the horn for me to feel rushed.  I am likely to forget something, no matter how patient he is in his waiting.

It’s the same with sex. If I know he is dying to orgasm rather than enjoy the journey with me, with or without an orgasm, then I prefer him to come first.  I am usually thrilled to vicariously experience his sensations, knowing I’m partly responsible. Happy to have mine later, with or without him.

I would be less generous if he always got his pleasure, without any regard for mine, but then I probably would not be in that relationship for long.